Eve's Loneliness

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Hardcore addict

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips? I sure can :)

The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.
You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"
You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.

You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...

You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.

Your dog has its own home page.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon".
You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Walk the walk

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

Funny Pictures Again !

The Easiest way to learn Chinese: Highly recommended by the expertsNever thought traffic signs had so much to reveal about life
Oh yes, it's another Friday Night again !

Psychology Lecture

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

The Art Of Seduction

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

Smart Kids

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"