Pregnancy & Coincidence

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

Definition of a Teenager

A Teenager is...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

A Rough Guide To Tiger Walking

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day

Lessons in patience

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."

Bad customer

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Weird American Law: Statewise

Alabama

• In jasper, it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• It is illegal to play Dominos on Sunday.
• It is illegal top wear a dake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

Alaska

• In Fairbanks, it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
• While it is legal to shoot bears, waking sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

Arizona

• In Tucson, it is illigal for women to wear pants.
• In Globe, it is illegal to play cards in the street with a Native American.
• In Glendale, it is illegal to drive a car in reverse.
• In Nogales, it is illegal to wear suspenders.

Arkansas

• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
• In Fayetteville, it is illegal to kill "any living creature".
• Schoolteachers who bob their hair may forfeit their pay raises.
• Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-Day jail term.

California

• In Los Angeles, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than two inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
• In Pacific Groove, "molesting" butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• In Pasadena, it is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• It is illigal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
• In Long Beach, it is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
• In San Francisco, it is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand in Los Angeles courts.

Colorado

• In Durango, it is illegal to go out in public dressed in clothing "unbecoming" one's sex.
• In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
• In Pueblo, it is illegal to let a dandelion grow within city limits.

Connecticut

• In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog.
• It is illegal to dispose used razor blades.
• In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h., even when going to a fire.
• In Hartford, it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.

Delaware

• In Lewes, it is illegal to wear pants that are "form-fitting" around the waist.
• Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.
• It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.

Florida

• In Miami, it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.
• Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.
• In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.

Georgia

• All males in the state between the ages of 16 and 50 are required to work on public roads.
• In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.
• In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road.
• It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down.

Hawaii

• It is illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks.
• It is illegal to own a mongoose without a permit.

Idaho

• In Pocatello, ``the carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view.''
• Also in Pocatello, ``It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation.''
• Boxes of candy given as romantic gifts must weigh more than 50 pounds.

Illinois

• In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being ``an unsightly or disgusting object'' are banned from going out in public.
• In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in one's pajamas.
• In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
• According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American".
• In Guernee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.
• In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.

Indiana

• Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
• In Gary, it is illegal to attend the theater within four hours of eating garlic.
• The Stepford Wives is banned in Warsaw.

Iowa

• State law forbids any establishment from charging admission to see a one-armed piano player.
• In Fort Madison, firemen are required to practice for 15 minutes before attending a fire.

Kansas

• It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sundays.
• In Wichita, a man's mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as grounds for divorce.
• In Wichita, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper.
• In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
• In Natoma, it is illegal to throw a knife at anyone wearing a striped shirt.

Kentucky

• It is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is: escorted by at least two police officers; armed with a club; or lighter than 90 pounds or heavier than 200 pounds. The ordinance also specifically exempts female horses from such restrictions.
• State law stipulates that a person is considered sober until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground".
• It is illegal to remarry the same man four times.

Louisiana

• In New Orleans, fire trucks are required by law to stop at all red lights.
• It is considered ``simple assault'' to bite someone in New Orleans; it is "aggravated assault" if the biter has false teeth.
• It is against the law to gargle in public.

Maine

• In Portland, it is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters.
• The most money one can legally win gambling is three dollars.
• In Rumford, it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her landlord.
• In Waterville, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.

Maryland

• In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how dirty they get.
• Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2 for each offense.
• In Halethorpe, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second.
• It's illegal to mistreat oysters.
• It's illegal to play Randy Newman's ``Short People'' on the radio.

Massachusetts

• In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms.
• It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
• North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns".
• State legislation forbids dueling with water pistols.
• In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.
• In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.

Michigan

• In Clawson, it is legal for a farmer to ``sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.''
• A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband.
• In Detroit, it is illegal to make love in a car unless it is parked on your property.
• In Detroit, it is illegal to ``ogle'' a woman from a moving car.
• In Port Huron, the speed limit for ambulances in 20 m.p.h.
• Under state law, dentists are officially classified as ``mechanics.''

Minnesota

• Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.
• In Minneapolis, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.
• Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
• It's illegal to tease skunks.

Mississippi

• It is still legal to kill one's "servant".
• In Truro, a would-be groom must ``prove himself manly'' prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows.

Missouri

• In Saco, women are forbidden from wearing hats that ``might frighten timid persons, children or animals.''
• In St. Louis, it is illegal for an on-duty firefighter to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown; in order to be rescued, a woman must be fully dressed.
• While children may purchase shotguns in Kansas City, they are not allowed to buy toy cap guns.
• Missouri considers drunkenness an ``inalienable right.''

Montana

• It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
• It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
• In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Nebraska

• It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
• In Waterloo, barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7am and 7pm.
• In Omaha, barbers are forbidden from shaving their customers' chests.
• If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.
• It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

Nevada

• In Nyala, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.
• It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
• In Eureka, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
• Everyone walking on the streets of Elko is required to wear a mask.

New Hampshire

• It is illegal to sell the clothes one is wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
• It is illegal to check into a hotel under an assumed name.

New Jersey

• It is against the law to ``frown'' at a police officer.
• In Newark, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
• It is illegal to slurp soup.
• In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street.

New Mexico

• In Raton, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.
• The Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary is banned in Carlsbad.
• State officials ordered 400 words of ``sexually explicit material'' to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

New York

• In New York City, it is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing".
• In New York City, it is illegal for a man to turn around and look ``at a woman in that way,'' and violators are forced to wear horse blinders.
• In Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a ``faggot'' or ``queer'' in an effort to curb ``girlie behavior.''
• In New York City, ``It is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand.''

North Carolina

• In Charlotte, women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
• In Ashville, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.
• Ironically, Hornytown has banned all massage parlors.
• State law mandates that all couples staying in rooms for one night must be kept in room with double beds, kept a minimum of two feet apart, and making love on the floor between the beds is strictly forbidden.
• It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.

North Dakota

• In Fargo, one may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
• It is illegal to serve beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar, club, or restaurant.

Ohio

• In Cleveland, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.
• In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell cornflakes on Sunday.
• In Oxford, it is illegal for a women to disrobe in front of a man's picture.
• In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
• Catch 22 is banned in Strongville.

Oklahoma

• People who make ``ugly faces'' at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
• In Schulter, it is illegal for a woman to gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.

Oregon

• One may not bathe without wearing ``suitable clothing,'' i.e., that which covers one's body from neck to knee.
• The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.
• Salem has barred women's wrestling.
• In Marion, ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

Pennsylvania

• "Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes".
• In Morrisville, women need a permit to wear cosmetics.
• Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.

Rhode Island

• In Providence, it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
• It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
• In Newport, it is illegal to smoke a pipe after sunset.

South Carolina

• Every citizen is obliged to carry his gun to church.
• No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
• In Charleston, all carriage horses must wear diapers.

South Dakota

• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
• Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.

Tennessee

• It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
• In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
• In Memphis restaurants, it is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.
• Also in Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; ``a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists.''

Texas

• The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
• A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
• In El Paso, churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons ``of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them.''
• It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
• In Houston, it is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
• In LeFors, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.
• In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.
• In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Utah

• Birds have the right of way on all highways.
• A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
• In Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.

Vermont

• Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
• It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
• It is illegal to whistle underwater.

Virginia

• In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
• In Norfolk, a man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere.
• There is a state law prohibiting ``corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates.''
• In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.

Washington

• In Seattle, women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.
• In Auburn, men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.
• Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.
• It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.

West Virginia

• In Nicholas County, no clergy members may tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during church services.
• Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.
• It is illegal to snooze on a train.

Wisconsin

• In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.
• It is illegal to cut a woman's hair.
• It is illegal to kiss on a train.
• Cheese making requires a cheese maker's license; Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.

Wyoming

• It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs peoples' view in a public theater or place of amusement.
• It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.

Courtroom Questions

*** Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ***
( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Fishing Terminology

Ten common fishing terms explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

Fishing Business

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Bet at the bar

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

Space Tourists

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."

Good news & Bad news

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Alzheimer's disease: advantages

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

Computer Addiction

Honestly, this is what I am considering the time I'm at my computer.

Honestly, this is not my workstation :)

Stressbusters

Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits :)

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
(This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
(Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
(This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)

4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
(Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)

5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
(And if she's cute, always ask if assistance is available.)

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
(Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)

7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong.
(You can get real creative here...especially if you put a dress on your son.)

8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
(Trust me...they're in there! I found 70 in just the A's!)

BLOG RECIPROCATION

Blogarama - The Blog Directory



The surest way to get your blogs read by one and all. Add your blog in this directory and be heard and seen.

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

Confusing Santa Claus

18 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Confession Time

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, "No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

Leaving the Convent

In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.
"Mother, I want to quit the veil."
"But why, my child?"
"To become a prostitute."
"What? What are you saying?"
"I said I want to become a prostitute, mother."
"Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!"

Some more funny pictures

I just couldn't stop liking these funny pictures. Here's some more to keep you amused. I appreciate your comments please.

Some wild & wacky pics

Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

Very well, then, says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact?

How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves."

Microsoft-style restaurant

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support waiter.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem.
How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I'm running late now!

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Secure dad's password

I know Daddy's password!
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Of cars & Bill gates

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour."
Bill Gates continued, "Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replied, "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

Bill Gates: Antichrist?

PROOF THAT BILL GATES IS THE ANTICHRIST

Conversion to ASCII values:
MS-DOS 6. 21
77 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666

WINDOWS95
87 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666

SYSTEM 7. 0
83 89 83 84 69 77 32 55 46 48 = 666

Coincidence? I think not!

The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:

B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
3
-------
666!!!!